British Crown Cedes Control Of Laureate To Masses!

What the hell, England? You like to slaughter the innocent tea-drinking inhabitants of your trans-Atlantic colonies all day long, wearing fashionable scarlet outfits and just bayoneting the shit out of everything, because they asked you politely to lift the tax on Being Alive. And yet you allow your subjects at home to have opinions about poetry? THESE ARE NOT BEST PRACTICES FOR GOVERNANCE. Especially since as it turns out, the Poet Laureate of England has actual responsibilities - compare to our primitive colonial appointee, whose job has historically been to eat lobster in hot tubs and speak to roomfuls of elderly ladies and write a poem sometimes. Of whom will the British public collectively glance up from their porridge and signal their approval, as the shackles are clamped on their hands and feet and they are led in grimy single file to debtor's prison? Hifalutin will report on this story as it develops!